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To start you off on this trip, we have some
mild jokes which you could use in almost any setting. Hope you enjoy these!
 | Interesting ObvervationsFrom the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at
the back of the Church, labelled For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.’
|
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police
canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
‘Will the person who took a slice of cake from the
Commissioner’s Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning
case.’
From The Gloucester Citizen:
‘A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards.
After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan". The
caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the
house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He
got what he deserved."’
When APOLLO Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked
on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him,
the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however,
he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr.Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However,upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space
programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck
Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
Just last year,(on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a
speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally
responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the
question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a
fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbour’s bedroom windows. His neighbors
were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr.Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex the day the kid
next door walks on the moon!"
From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels
Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes:
‘"... the money will not be going directly into
the prostitutes’ pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We
will be training them for new positions in hotels."’
From The Derby Abbey Community News:
We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we
stated that ‘Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force’. This was a
typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police
Farce."
From The Guardian:
"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds
overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to
"Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close
his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out
in his new name."
| The Death of an Engineer An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier
and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer
reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a
while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is
a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So..how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are
going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What???
You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send
him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back or I'll sue." Satan
laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right, and just where are you going to get a
lawyer?"
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| Insurance schemes
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive
cigars, insured them against... get this... FIRE. Within a month, having smoked his
entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, AND having yet to make a single premium payment on
the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man
stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance
company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in
a normal fashion. The man sued... and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge
stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that
the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire
without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated
to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal
process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for
the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
*** Here's the funny part ***
After the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of
arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as
evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and
sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
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| Naval Courtesy
Here is the transcript of an ACTUAL July 1998 radio conversation between a US naval
warship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:
Canadians : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid acollision.
Americans : Recommend YOU divert your course 15 degrees to the north toavoid a collision.
Canadians : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to thesouth to avoid
a collision.
Americans : This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians : No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE
UNITED STATES NAVY'S ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMANDTHAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN
TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians : This is a lighthouse. This island has a rocky shelf extending 5miles out to
sea. It's your call.
|
| Office politics of a sort A man is flying in a hot air balloon
and realises he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the
balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this
field."
"You must work in IT," says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
correct, but completely useless."
The man below says: "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where the hell you are, or where
the hell you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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| One from General Motors!Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, GM issues a press release
stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be living
cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept
this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or
"CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast,
and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent on the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single
"general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let
you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of
the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand-McNally road
maps (now subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting
to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or
more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all
over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
|
| WHAT IF DR. SEUSS DID TECHNICAL WRITING? If a packet hits a
pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the
address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an
error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts
your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then
your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to
the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's
repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the
side effects from gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may
as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna
hang!
If the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your
memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell
your mom!
|
| THE STORY OF THE LITTLE ISLAND COUNTRY Once there was a little
island country.The land of this country was the tiny island itself. The total money in
circulation was 2 ringgit as there were only two pieces of 1 ringgit coins circulating
around. (If you prefer, think of the currency as Rupiah, Rand, Peso or whatever else).
(1) There were 3 citizens living on this island country. A owned the land. B and C each
owned 1 ringgit.
(2) B decided to purchase the land from A for 1 ringgit. So, A and C now each own 1
ringgit while B owned a piece of land that is worth 1 ringgit. The net asset of the
country = 3 ringgit.
(3) C thought that since there is only one piece of land in the country and land is non
produceable asset, its value must definitely go up. So, he borrowed 1 ringgit from A and
together with his own 1 ringgit, he bought the land from B for 2 ringgit.
A has a loan to C of 1 ringgit, so his net asset is 1 ringgit. B sold his land and got
2 ringgit, so his net asset is 2 ringgit. C owned the piece of land worth 2 ringgit but
with his 1 ringgit debt to A, his net asset is 1 ringgit. The net asset of the country = 4
ringgit.
(4) A saw that the land he once owned has risen in value. He regretted selling it.
Luckily, he has a 1 ringgit loan to C. He then borrowed 2 ringgit from B and and acquired
the land back from C for 3 ringgit. The payment is by 2 ringgit cash (which he borrowed)
and cancellation of the 1ringgit loan to C.
As a result, A now owned a piece of land that is worth 3 ringgit. But since he owed B 2
ringgit, his net asset is 1 ringgit. B loaned 2 ringgit to A. So his net asset is 2
ringgit. C now has the 2 coins. His net asset is also 2 ringgit. The net asset of the
country = 5 ringgit. A bubble is building up.
(5) B saw that the value of land kept rising. He also wanted to own the land. So he
bought the land from A for 4 ringgit. The payment is by borrowing 2 ringgit from C and
cancellation of his 2 ringgit loan to A. As a result, A has got his debt cleared and he
got the 2 coins. His net asset is 2 ringgit. B owned a piece of land that is worth 4
ringgit but since he has a debt of 2 ringgit with C, his net asset is 2 ringgit.
C loaned 2 ringgit to B, so his net asset is 2 ringgit. The net asset of the country =
6 ringgit. Even though, the country has only one piece of land and 2 ringgit in
circulation.
(6) Everybody has made money and everybody felt happy and prosperous.
(7) One day an evil wind blew. An evil thought came to C's mind. "Hey, what if the
land price stop going up, how could B repay my loan. There is only 2 ringgit in
circulation, I think after all the land that B owns is worth at most 1 ringgit only."
A also thought the same.
(8) Nobody wanted to buy land anymore. In the end, A owns the 2 ringgit coins, his net
asset is 2 ringgit. B owed C 2 ringgit and the land he owned which he thought worth 4
ringgit is now 1 ringgit. His net asset become -1ringgit. C has a loan of 2 ringgit to B.
But it is a bad debt. Although his net asset is still 2 ringgit, his heart is palpitating.
The net asset of the country = 3 ringgit again. Who has stolen the 3 ringgit from the
country? Of course, before the bubble burst B thought his land worth 4 ringgit. Actually,
right before the collapse, the net asset of the country was 6 ringgit in paper. His net
asset is still 2 ringgit, his heart is palpitating. The net asset of the country = 3
ringgit again.
(9) B had no choice but to declare bankruptcy. C has to relinquish his 2 ringgit bad
debt to B but in return he acquired the land which is worth 1 ringgit now. A owns the 2
coins, his net asset is 2 ringgit. B is bankrupt, his net asset is 0 ringgit. ( B lost
everything ) C got no choice but end up with a land worth only 1 ringgit (C lost one
ringgit) The net asset of the country = 3 ringgit.
THUS ENDETH THE STORY.
There is however a redistribution of wealth. A is the winner, B is the loser, C is
lucky that he is spared.
The Morals of the Story:
(1) When a bubble is building up, the debt of individual in a country to one another is
also building up.
(2) This story of the island is a close system whereby there is no other country and
hence no foreign debt. The worth of the asset can only be calculated using the island's
own currency. Hence, there is no net loss.
(3) An overdamped system is assumed when the bubble burst, meaning the land's value did
not go down to below 1 ringgit.
(4) When the bubble burst, the fellow with cash is the winner. The fellows having the
land or extending loan to others are the loser. The asset could shrink or in worst case,
they go bankrupt.
(5) If there is another citizen D either holding a ringgit or another piece of land but
refrain to take part in the game. At the end of the day, he will neither win nor lose. But
he will see the value of his money or land go up and down like a see saw.
(6) When the bubble was in the growing phase, everybody made money.
(7) If you are smart and know that you are living in a growing bubble, it is worthwhile
to borrow money ( like A ) and take part in the game. But you must know when you should
change everything back to cash.
(8) Instead of land, the above applies to stocks and bonds as well.
(9) The actual worth of land or stocks depend largely on investor psychology.
(10) Either nobody buys food in this country or there has been no inflation - so 1
Ringgit = 1 Ringgit. Otherwise the winner is the one hoarding bread.
|
| Court Room Classics
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you'veforgotten?
Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved with voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
|
| An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced
sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people
watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's
gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people
realized what hadhappened. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed
round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to
hospital for treatment.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An India man who eight months ago decided to spend his life in a
tree has died. He fell out of it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Following a drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki
passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows as a joke. Getting no
reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed
to sew it back on.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51 year
old Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off, he put 12 nails
through his trousers and in the process, drove several of them through his leg.
Fortunately he was discovered by police.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When 65-year-old Les Edwards shoveled some coal on to his
living-room fire in January 1985, a sudden explosion rendered him deaf and blind.The
mystery blast was traced to the accidental inclusion of a detonator in the coal mix. The
National Coal Board admitted negligence.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended
prematurely when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was undergoing
electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach
gases ignited by the sparks.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A 20-year-old man was given a concrete enema by his mischievous
lover. Surgeons had to meticulously remove the cast which, of course, formed the shape of
a rectum, perfect in every respect except for the imprint of a ping-pong ball which was
apparently used to retain the enema.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Cinnamon family from Washington were surprised when several
ball- sized chunks of green ice crashed through their roof and landedon the floor beside
them. The ice soon melted, giving off a revolting odour. The Cinnamons were not happy to
later discover that the ice was frozen human waste from the leaky sewage system of a
passenger jet.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone
system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you
fat bastard'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The defence in an Irish murder trial hung on whether the accused,
Thomas McGann, could draw a gun from his pocket without shooting himself. Demonstrating in
court, his lawyer shot his own foot, and died 12 hours later. McGann, however, was
acquitted.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Police in France are looking for a man who has been robbing banks
dressed as a giant aubergine. During an armed robbery in Marseilles, he was asked by the
manager 'Are you serious?', to which he replied 'No, I am an aubergine', and fired a shot.
The man escaped with the cash leaving a real aubergine on the counter.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In April 1993, suspected drug dealer Alfred Acree tried to evade
capture in Charles County, Virginia, by running into a wood. The police had no trouble
following him because he was wearing a pair of'Light Gear' trainers, with battery -
powered lights that flash when the heel is pressed.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
During a 'smash and grab' on a Zurich jeweller in October 1980, a
thief had his finger cut off by broken glass as he grabbed a tray of rings. The police
identified the finger from their fingerprint records and arrested the thief within a few
hours.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In Ireland, a man staggered into the emergency room of Belfast
Hospital with a wind-up turtle attached to his testicles, explaining that his young son
had dropped the toy into his bath. "A mechanical joint connected to his tender bits
and jammed solid," a nurse said.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When a crook decided to steal the central heating system from an
empty house in Fulham, he removed a pipe connected to the gas supply, then lit a match so
that he could see. Although the house exploded, he continued with the job and even
returned the next day, only to be arrested.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A totally wrecked cream-coloured Ford Orion was found at the bottom
of a 100 foot cliff face near Scarborough in North Yorkshire early on the morning of 22nd
June. It was thought to have left the road at a sharp bend between Osgodby and Cayton.
There was no sign of the driver, but a pile of human excrement was found in the driver's
seat.
Scarborough Eve News, 24 June 1996.
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| More to come...
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