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Comically
Artistic Pictures
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Glad to see you're happy to try this stuff. Remember,
you can always go back if you find any of this material to be too offensive. No-one
ever forces you to read stuff on the Web.
 | Nudist colony A man joins a nudist colony,
takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6 foot blond walks by him; the man
gets a hard-on.
Blond: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Blond: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you
called for me."
The blond lays down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy,
enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.
Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for
me."
The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back
to the receptionist...
New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the
$500."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities...."
New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once
a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
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| Warning Labels
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcoholbottles, such as:
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are
not.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and
over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying
for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your
pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see
something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the
forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer
and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem,
whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem toliterally disappear.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. |
| Grant & Gates
After the Hugh Grant incident that made the papers recently, Bill Gates called up Grant
and asked him, "Was it really worth $50 to almost ruin your career?" Grant
replied, "Bill, it was so good, it was actually worth a million!" So Bill went
ahead and called up Grant's favorite prostitute. Since she had become so famous, her price
had gone up quite a bit, but Bill went ahead and shelled out $10,000 for a night with
Divine. In the morning, he had to admit that Grant had been right. He said, "That was
fantastic! Now I know why, professionally, you call yourself 'Divine'!" She answered,
"Why thank you. And now I know why you call yourcompany 'Microsoft'..." |
| Reasons to give up drugs
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday
before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give
you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to
show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back
in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st
one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17
people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you
tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
. __
. / \
. l
l
O
. \ ___/
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is
your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge."And you,
how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to
give up drugsforever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do
that!" "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
.
__
.
/ \
. O
l l
.
\__/
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..." |
| GUIDE TO SAFE FAX
Q: DO I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SAFE FAX?
A: ALTHOUGH MARRIED PEOPLE FAX QUITE OFTEN, THERE ARE MANY SINGLE PEOPLE WHO FAX COMPLETE
STRANGERS.
Q: MY PARENTS SAY THAT THEY NEVER HAD FAX WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND WER ONLY ALLOWED TO
WRITE MEMOS TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY WERE TWENTY-ONE. HOW OLD DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD
BE BEFORE THEY CAN FAX?
A: FAXING CAN BE PERFORMED AT ANY AGE, ONCE YOU LEARN THE PROPER PROCEDURE.
Q: IF I FAX SOMETHING TO MYSELF, WILL I GO BLIND?
A: CERTAINTLY NOT, AS FAR AS WE CAN SEE.
Q: THERE IS A PLACE ON OUR STREET WHERE YOU CAN GO AND PAY FOR FAX. IS THIS LEGAL?
A: YES, MANY PEOPLE HAVE NO OTHER OUTLET FOR THEIR FAX DRIVES AND MUST PAY A
"PROFESSIONAL" WHEN THEIR NEED TO FAX BECOMES TOO GREAT.
Q: SHOULD A COVER ALWAYS BE USED FOR FAXING?
A: UNLESS YOU ARE REALLY SURE OF THE ONE YOU ARE FAXING, A COVER SHEETSHOULD BE USED TO
INSURE SAFE FAX.
Q: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I INCORRECTLY DO THE PROCEDURE AND FAX PREMATURELY?
A: DON'T PANIC, MANY PEOPLE PREMATURELY FAX WHEN THEY HAVEN'T FAXED IN A LONG TIME. JUST
START OVER, MOST PEOPLE WONT MINDIF YOU TRY AGAIN.
Q: I HAVE A PERSONAL AND A BUSINESS FAX. CAN TRANSMISSIONS BECOME MIXEDUP?
A: BEING BI-FAXUAL CAN BE CONFUSING, BUT AS LONG AS YOU YOU USE A COVER WITH EACH ONE, YOU
WON'T TRANSMIT ANYTHING YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO.
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| Office procedures
An ex-Army man was being interviewed for an equity sales job.
"Did you ever see any active duty?" asked the interviewer.
"I was in Bosnia for 2 years and in fact I have a partial disability"responded
the applicant.
"May I ask what happened?""Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and
I lost both testicles."
"No problem. You're hired. You can start Monday at 9am.""9 am ? When does
everyone else start? I don't want any preferentialtreatment because of my
disability." said our hero.
"Everyone else starts at 7am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing
gets done between 7 and 9. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what
to do first."
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| Anagrams
An ANAGRAM, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the
letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be that is the question,
whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slingsand arrows of outrageous fortune. = In
one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two
fronts about how life turns rotten.
Politicians: George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo warlord)
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer
The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty
And the grand finale: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for
mankind." --Neil A. Armstrong = A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet,
pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
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| More to be added! |
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